Keeping the Faith

Where do I begin....As most of you know, Travis and I have gone through a rough couple of weeks. On Friday, August 7th, we were headed for our second check-up on our baby. It was the day we were waiting for...we were finally going to hear the heartbeat. We were so excited! A few days prior to the appointment, I told Travis that something didn't feel right with my body. I felt like I had lost our baby. He kept reassuring me I was just scared and everything was fine since I was still getting sick during the day. So, we get to the doctor's office and wait patiently for her to come in the room. It felt like a lifetime but was only 30 minutes. She pulls out the doppler so we can hear the heartbeat. She couldn't get anything which was common she said especially since my heart rate was beating so fast. We move into the ultrasound room. I was excited because we were going to see how big our little peanut grew. She puts the gel on my stomach and tries to get a reading...nothing! At that point, I turned to Travis and told him something was wrong. For some reason, I never looked at the screen. Finally, we try an internal ultrasound. I glanced quickly at the screen and our baby had grown so much since we first saw it. My doctor tries to get a heartbeat and again nothing! The heartbeat flatlined and our baby wasn't moving. It was measuring at 10 weeks. I broke down into tears and cried in Travis' arms. I felt so helpless and blamed myself. My doctor gave us some time and then came in and talked with us about what the next steps would be and reassured me that I did nothing wrong and that miscarriages were very common in first time pregnancies. I didn't care. All I knew was that we lost our baby that we already loved so much. Since I didn't pass it, we scheduled a D and C to remove the baby so that they could run tests to make sure there were no chromosomal abnormalities. 

That Sunday, my parents came up to be with Travis and I during this time and try to help us keep our minds busy. We were struggling with this so much. After receiving the news, I just cried for the next two days. There are no words to explain what it's like to lose your baby. On Tuesday morning, I go in for my surgery. Of course, I'm scared because this is my first surgery ever and they have to put me completely under and I hated the reason of why I was there. Travis and my parents were by my side until they rolled me away into the operating room. Fortunately, everything went really well and recovery wasn't too bad. My parents stayed with me until Wed. because Travis had to leave for Houston after they released me from the hospital. I was so glad that he was able to stay with me the entire time. I returned to work on Wednesday which I was glad about to keep my mind off of everything but I had the hardest time and broke down several times throughout the day.

On Thursday night, things took a turn for the worse. I started having severe pains in my stomach and was passing blood clots for 2 hours. The pain kept getting worse so I eventually ended up in the emergency room. Our friends Meagan and Matt brought me and Travis met us there once his plane landed. We were in the hospital until 2am! I ended up having mild anemia due to the amount of blood loss and my blood count was low. They considered admitting me in the hospital to do a blood tranfusion due to the amount of blood loss but because it was a result of the surgery they decided to let me go (thank goodness!). They put me on cytotec (?) to help reduce the bleeding but told me that it would cause severe cramping...great! So of course, at 5am I started screaming in pain. The pain finally went away after about 2 long hours. I made an appointment to meet with my OBGYN that afternoon to follow up with the results from the emergency room. She explained to Travis and I that the pain that I was experiencing was contractions. She took me off the cytotec and put me on an iron supplement to boost my blood count. After a quick exam, she said everything is healing as it should be which was a relief to Travis and I especially after what we had experienced less than 24 hours before. She is very confident that we will be able to get pregnant really soon and that this will be a healthy pregnancy. Of course, it's never a guarantee but that's what she feels based on what she has seen. It was such good news for Travis and I to hear this. We both know that we have to stay positive and know that God has a plan for us that's far better than what we think. It's just hard to see the big picture of that plan right now. 

There are no words to explain what we are going through and how you feel when you lose your baby. We were both attached to the baby and loved it so much. It will always be our first baby. For me, it's much harder because it was my body that was going through the changes. I felt such an empty feeling on Tuesday when I knew that our baby was no longer with me. Through the hospital, there is a program called Healing Matters that we are going to join. They have meetings each month for parents of unborn children and they do have a place of rest for our baby at the Plano Municipal Cemetary which is some closure for Travis and I. We know that there's a place that we can visit our little angel. Each May, they do a memorial for all of the unborn children that we will also participate in. We think it's a great way of remembering these babies that never had the chance to be welcomed into this world. 

Each day gets better and we know that we will get through this. I do have my moments where I will just break down into tears. We are staying positive and strong and putting our faith in God to get us through this. We know that we have an angel above that is looking down on us. 

To our family and friends... you are all amazing and Travis and I are so blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives. We couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for the cards, emails, phone calls, and most of all, your prayers. We know that with time, this pain that we feel will heal and that one day, we will welcome a wonderful and healthy baby into this world that we will love with all of heart. Thank you for all of your support. 

We love you!

Mary and Travis